Once again I find myself lying on the couch in an all too familiar position with familiar pains and aches that flood my mind with memories. The last 3 years of my life have been filled with experiences that I never thought I would go through at such a young age. The past few months as I think about my life and how it has been nothing like I planned, I keep feeling a prompting to put pen to paper, or I guess technically speaking fingers to keys and write about my experiences. There are days where I feel I have done little to leave my mark on the world. By writing my life for others to read I hope to leave some indicator to those who come after that I, Toni Call, was here. That through my words, I can show that despite the trials in my life which have threatened to break me physically and spiritually; I am still standing strong. I pray that as I write my experiences and reflect on my life I may say something to help a friend know they are not alone. So here goes…
I don’t remember the exact date, but on Wednesday in March of 2009 I began to have pains in my lower back that made it very uncomfortable to sit. By the following Sunday, I found it almost impossible to sit through an hour of church because of the pain. After that, my health and life seemed to come crashing down around me. I was a senior in high school with only 9 weeks left till graduation. I was making plans to go to school and find my independence. I had plans to conquer the world and yet I couldn’t find the strength to get out of bed.
Luckily I was blessed to have a number of supportive teachers that helped me to graduate even though I was unable to attend school. I had dreamed about my senior prom for years but my health seemed to take those dreams away. A good friend came to the rescue and with the help of my beauty team, my mom and my sister, I left the house for my senior prom feeling like a princess wearing a beautiful blue dress. My eighteenth birthday was also spent at home, but thanks to the efforts of my family I had a wonderful day. Some of my sweet extended family sent me a beautiful bouquet of white roses. I don’t think I will ever forget what they looked like or the overwhelming feeling of love they brought to me that day.
A few weeks before graduation, while lying in a hospital bed, I wondered where my life had gone and if I would even be able to make it to my high school graduation. As I shared my fears with my mom, I remember her telling me that I was going to make to graduation, even if they had to wheel me in a hospital bed. Tears fill my eyes as I think about the sacrifice and love my parents showed me through these times of discouragement and doubt. The Lord knows our needs and fills our lives with those we need the most to get us through the hard times. These years of sickness have shown me the importance of family. I feel so very grateful for the service each member of my family has given to me.
While in the hospital (May of 2009), I was diagnosed with Parvovirus. As the doctor told me this diagnosis, the only thing that came to mind was, “isn’t that what dogs get?” I learned that yes dogs do get parvo, but humans can as well. With the hope that came from a diagnosis, I somewhat anxiously awaited for the day I would recover from the parvo and could start my life. As my energy level seemed to improve but no relief from my back pain yet, I threw myself into my first semester at Arizona State University thinking I was on the road to recovery. By October of that semester, I became very ill and found myself in the Emergency Room with a throat so infected and swollen that I was having difficulty breathing. I found out that this infection was the effect of a very active case of mononucleosis. For the next few months I spent morning and night lying in a recliner in the family room, once again weighed down by illness. Through the times of illness, I was the receiver of constant service from my mom. We had always been close but as she sacrificed so much to serve me, I watched our relationship grow even stronger. I relied on her for everything, including her physical support as I walked to and from the bathroom. Those long drawn out days of sickness and doctor appointments were some of the hardest days of my life, but my mom was always there to help hold me up as I carried this burden. I love her more than words can describe.
That is all the writing I have in me for today but before I end the story for now, I want to share my thoughts about my struggles. This trial of sickness has been a difficult experience to deal with, but I can honestly say that without my family and the gospel of Jesus Christ I wouldn’t have been able to bear it. I am the person I am because what I have experienced. Some may think that God can’t be God if He allows trials such as these to come upon his children; but I thank him every day for allowing me to experience hardship so that I can appreciate joy. In 2nd Nephi 2:11 is reads “For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so [my daughter]… righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must be compound in one; wherefore if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption no incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.” I testify that God loves his children and that I have seen His hand continually in my life. He has carried me when I could walk no further. He has comforted me when I felt helpless and lost. He has blessed me with the strength to continue forward when everything around me seemed to pull me back. I love the Lord and I love my Savior Jesus Christ.
